A Kawaii Memoir


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Posts tagged Spilled Thoughts
The Invisible Climax

I think I’m in a lot pain yet having no gain

Reaching towards the invisible climax

Only to realize it’s the illusion of what my life is

This is the reality they call corporate biz

I hate it ya know, walking on tip toes

Thinking if I’m careful I’ll be in the know

Despite the fact I’m struggling

Fabulously failing,

Dedicated dying

On an invisible climax I call success

Thursday: Lemon Tea

I’m sipping lemon tea and plotting how to get another job or come across 8 thousand dollars in spending money. How is this possible, as I bare face looking like a raccoon deity contemplate the itchiness of this wig? Its cause I have nothing but the fumes of my grandiose dreams to keep me going. The government shutdown, or as I call it Trump's Tantrum attack has me on edge on a consistent basis and people over the internet remind me of why my eyes are failing. I don’t have the time to be cool or cute, and I don’t have the energy to take care of myself anymore. So why am I living this way?

I was speaking with a co-worker on my way home about the woe of finding a vice to de-stress because its just a little too much at work. While I might not smoke, I can see its appeal. Although one drug test later and I’m put off from having that as a stressor in my life. I’ve never been good at tests. So we talk about work, it’s a mutual venting space, and I appreciate it, and honestly need it. I have to verify that the situations aren’t me being crazy but are in fact inhumane expectations with a beautiful aesthetic cover over it. At some point, I started wincing as I saw what Day it was in my work log. It was day 118, and I just felt my heart sink into the boiled contents of coffee and painkillers inside me.

It is just another experience of “shit this is my life” or “Fuck it” or “Same shit different day” type mentality and it is devastating. I started thinking about how often the “American Dream” was shoved down my adolescent throat, only to come to the conclusion that’s a sales pitch for colleges and universities to take our tuition souls. So while I’m sipping this lemon tea contemplating the sum of my life and questioning the reality of dreams ask yourself, did I add sugar or honey to my tea this afternoon.


The Golden Hour

Written: 11/26/2018 

I look like my soul is from another place, another world, a different mentality. I don't understand it, this isolation and agitation of unfamiliarity. Keep me here. I’m not sure I want to return wherever I left, whatever story I left behind. Isn't this time golden? I keep thinking to myself I am alone in the aura of my mindset, trapped in the ribbed cages of an idea of self. Trapped in a golden hour holden on to whatever sanity I find I have left.

The golden smile, its the one I gave right after I break, its a fixed position in time to remind me, that I have a star in me to do whatever it takes, i’m a golden hour. Out of time, fleeting into the twilight of Oberon and his mystery of misery

~ Jade