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She and Self (2017)

Written 09/28/17

When I look in the mirror I don’t love who I am. I butter my face up in a false skin. I push down the naturalness of my being to create an aesthetic I find pleasing. I love my aesthetic. I love my style, I created it. I built it from the bottom up and became a person of power. I adored the societal cloak I crafted. 

At the end of the day, when the clock strikes midnight. I’m not the queen, I’m not the angel, I’m not the goddess I made. I return back to the woman I looked like when I woke up. I’m back to the person I made eye contact with first. I don’t know how to deal with her. She’s weary, and looks like someone who has lived many lifetimes. She smiles sadly, as she clutches a bag lies. She and I look at one another like friends who became strangers. We kiss goodbye, as soon as the brush touches my face. We greet each other awkwardly as the false skin is wiped away. 

Sometimes I hate her, sometimes I love her. She and I have a vanity like no other. We love who we become, but not who we were. We share an intimate understanding of the way the world works. She knows the truth, and I perpetuate the lie. She knows about time, and I love its illusion. We are the opposites that live in the same body. 

Stranger things have happened over the course of a few years. The true self and the perception of self are mixing together. What I created became me, and who she was stepped out of the shadows. 

She begged me to love her in daylight. While I cringed at her imperfections I could understand why. Why the life we led was weary. Presenting oneself in the manner I did, was dragging me into insanity. I couldn’t let anyone love me, befriend me, or know me. I was scared of them not loving the real me and leaving. I was scared of being alone with the girl in the mirror, who even I didn’t love... at least not really. 

She in the mirror told me, that she loved me. I wept at her heart eyes, and her stripped skin. “How could you love me, when I don’t know who I am”. She told me it was because I saw her everyday, and I stayed.