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Hollow City

WRITTEN: 01/01/2019

In my many nerd-ism attributes, I think of Bleach when I ponder over the word "hollow". I think of great giant beings with holes in their hearts consuming the spirits of those around them. That's what I feel in the big apple. A bit hollow, and the desperate need to consume everything to the point that health is irrelevant. I feel this emptiness rise from corners of my mind, and it reaches out to hold me close. A Hollow City, and I’m tourist within smiling my way through its gray ambivalence. The city is a place of opportunity, and like many a weary artist cities feel like the place to be to make your dreams a reality. In the past I wanted to live there so badly. I thought that NYC was the place that would accept my energy and have it flourish. Now when I visit I feel energy seep out of me into the metro. The love I once held for the city in my youth I suppose matured. What once was naiveté ambition became a cruel jaded reality. The truth is my experiences in the city aren’t always a joyful memory, more often then not I am left leaving the city drained and questioning the monetary decision to go there.  There is something about the gray sidewalks and haunting skyscrapers that reminds me of the intimate and negative experiences I’ve had in the city. The friends I’ve lost, the arguments, the harshness of the people. It all clings to the light I feel inside aggressively. I never want to experience a negative change or regression when I visit a place but NYC with all its lights is so dim. When people ask me about my trips to New York, I give such a pained smile that I’m reminded of what looking through glass feels like all over again. Yukijoro, the voice within me weeps. I remember the tired nights, the men I run from, and the cruel words whipping my body from strangers. I don’t understand how a place bustling with life can feel so empty. Perhaps my ramblings here don’t make sense, and that’s fine but just for a moment I wanted to write on the hollow city.