Jadedisland
A Kawaii Memoir

Poetry

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49 Minutes (2016)

Written 12/01/2016

49 minutes. 

felt like hours

felt like months

I lay down to sleep, to end the day 

make all the pain go away

those voices in my head spoke louder and slower enunciating horrible ideas for relief

death they chanted over and over like a church choir begging for the sin of self inflicted death

Do it

It'll stop

No more 

It'll stop

Do it

I can't I cry as tears escape my tired eyes I refuse inflict this damage on those I love and cherish

Don't worry about them do it for yourself take this time to be selfish and end the misery you carry in your eyes, just do it. 

 

It was 49 minutes of planning my final stage exit, ending the chapter of my existence and writing the letters that should not be written. 

Just do it. 49 minutes feel like 22 years of agony and I'm tired of it. 

I'm tired of failing and experiencing these things. What is this life I wonder. What did I do to deserve this? 49 minutes should never CUT at my skin like this. 

Time should not determine the value of my life and I'm scared of these voices and I'm alone.

Alone for 49 minutes. 

Just do it. 

You said you were better. You told them you were fine. I lied. 

In 49 minutes I realized I wasn't the woman I remembered. Instead in 49 minutes I was a body waiting for a grave.

In 49 minutes I was swept away into a place I do not want to enter but it opens doors everywhere I step 

begging my entry into the emotionless void where 

my smiles are no more 

my love is nothing more than ashes

any effort I've given spiraled away from success and achievement

This is my world isn't it, in these 49 minutes I faced the real reality and I wanted to do it