Chapter 5: Zombie Love
My Venus is in Libra so my love is expressed in darkness or is that what the zodiac overlords tell me.
At the blossoming years of my youth, I adored Valentine’s Day. The red hearts, the corny poetry, and the opportunity it presented. I already spoke about the art of confessing, and like I mentioned this is the month to be a tad risky. However, with single awareness day just around the corner... I’ve found myself questioning how to celebrate this holiday for the first time.
My Mom always found cute ways to remind her little tribe of five that we were cherished. For me, it was the hello kitty plushie I would receive and lollipops. This year, things are different. I’ve crept past my reservations about showing affection, and no longer feel like a zombie when it comes to showing my feelings. Hiding my feelings is no longer the life I choose to live.
Sure, I’ve had my fair share of romantic dreams. Who doesn’t want the dazzling story of stolen kisses and heartfelt moments? I'm a huge fan of Korean dramas and passionate romance stories. I’ve always wanted to date a fellow artist, and blossom as we inspire each other. It’s the ideal set up, in my mind, I inspire the one I love, as they inspire me. We rise and accomplish our dreams with successes in our respective fields.
There’s only one problem with my youthful dream. I struggle emoting my feelings. As someone empathetic and an observer of human life, it truly has been a struggle to emote. I anticipate responses, and if I thought it was easier for someone to not see me sad, mad, or even joyful I would remove myself. The mask I wear is "Peace & Control". The illusion that I am fine and nothing affects me. This mask popped up after my first relationship. An odd coping mechanism that made me a zombie.
Instead of chomping on brains and wearing drop-dead fashion choices, I would walk around numb to my own emotions. Hoping it made the people around me feel more at ease. Which is dangerous and not recommended. Especially not for anyone looking to kiss kiss fall in love. Any relationship you have will fall to pieces if you are not equally expressing your emotions. So hiding how you feel, or not telling someone about your feelings is the detriment to your peace of mind.
Consider this, how will your relationships grow without opening up equally. I’m talking about being able to process things with the ones you love, whether platonically or in a romantic way, in a healthy manner. Knowing that when you are with them you are safe to be your real self, holding back nothing of who you are.
Which brings me back to Valentine’s Day. Sure it’s a chocolate flooded and flower bursting day for couples all over. However, there’s no time like the present to remind not only your crush but your friends and family how much you care for them. I'm reminded that despite my many sad resentments about not having a prince charming to dazzle me with poetry, flowers, and love tokens I've always had valentines in my family and friends.
So, I want to say that you're cherished and don't feel shame letting others know you cherish or care about them. Stop holding back the words that could be the tipping point in making someone feel better. Stop hiding who you are and what you feel.
Trust your Venus, Empress Jade~