A Kawaii Memoir


The various moments in my life, along with advice, motivations and fashionable perspectives. 

The Empress & her Spectacle: The Happiness Paradox

When I said goodbye I was the happiest. 

It’s odd to consider how our emotional state can impact who we are and what we become. I spent time reading, like the lifetime learner I am, on the history of human emotions. An invigorating read that intertwines history to the foundations of human emotions and experiences. All these nuances that contribute to the human experience. It’s both complex and simple, the paradox I love fiddling with in my fictional worlds. To create the story that engages my reader I learned I must inspire emotion. 

Well my two years in progress novel aside, I’m here to ramble and rumble about happiness. Specifically claiming it. I’m sure for some who know me, the idea of me, a classic pessimist, spewing about something that doesn’t appear to take place in my mentality is strange. Completely alien to my natural chaos and despair aesthetic.  Contrary to popular belief I'm an advocate for celebrating little joys. Everything from the wondrous joy of Black Panther to finding fortune cookies in my nightstand. Celebrating those little things, keeps me grounded and helps alleviate the strain of the melancholic mundane. 

Happiness Manifests In You

Happiness often feels like a dream, an unobtainable mystery that is meant for people outside of myself. Sometimes in the furthermost corners of my mind, I fear to obtain happiness. I fear losing something that impacts me so deeply, that in its absence I'll sink into the hell of despair. That's no way to live. In the millions and counting of scenarios I run through I often picture my life without the grand happiness I thought I was missing and would never obtain. In the midst of 2017, towards the end of the year, I came to the realization of something I once thought obscure. 

I am Happy. 

Some imagined weight came off my shoulders. In the moment I thought the words, confetti exploded in my brain. Not real confetti, cause that sounds awful, but in my visualizations, I celebrated with the joy of a satisfied audience. Weirdly, the words repeated over and over as a new subroutine in my mind. Now, I'm not saying that saying "I'm Happy" cured all my sorrow and internal struggles. That's nonsensical and too Disney fairytale for my jaded self. The words instead provided a new perspective, and take on life I didn't anticipate. Every now and again the concept of happiness is revisited. Whether it's in my journal or in a cafe I ask, "When is the last time you were happy". Once you start answering, you might surprise yourself with what things big or small make you happy. 

I was serious when i stated that I'm an advocate for celebrating little joys. There is no shame in smiling over an extra chicken nugget, browsing memes, or the satisfaction of playing some mobile app game. There should be no reservations about celebrating joys with your friends, family, or partners. Often it feels like you must restrain yourself from expressing joy because of the gravity of current circumstances and future circumstances.  Redact that idea from your daily routine, I want that idea so removed you need top clearance to even revisit that notion. 

Celebration, in times so dark and severe, are gifts. Gifts of happiness that need a little acknowledgement. Remind your inner self that you are capable of experiencing and having happiness. It's not a dream, it's not a fantasy, it is your reality. If you think, that I'm spouting off happy-go-lucky words, think again. The weight of my history and circumstances are still relevant and live within me. It's just not all there is to me. I am not just my chaos and despair, I am happy. My reality isn't just the cruelty of my circumstances and the strife of my struggles. It's also joy, happiness, and a love so profound I'm beginning to think I'm breathing in something from the bats in my bedroom wall. Happiness is something I already had within me, I just needed to give room for it to voice. 

So, when is the last time you were happy dear reader? Ask yourself, or even tell me. Voice it, and happiness will manifest on its own. Support the little joys and the big joys in those around you. This difference turns a dream into a reality. 

I support your happiness alongside my own, Empress Jade

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