Chapter 39: Not My Finest Hour
“If I gave it up would I even still be me.”
I get these moments where I think, “wow Jade you’re such a Leo, a damn drama queen.” Which to be fair, I can be a tad dramatic. I think it comes with the territory of being a storyteller. I mean why be small about things, when you can say it with your chest. The more detail, the better. I might behave grand, but I don’t view myself grandly. I wear a crown part time not full time. I’m highly aware that I make mistakes, blunders, all around problematic adjacent lifestyle choices. Unpacking generational curses, discovering myself, forming an identity comes with messing up a lot. I’m not perfect no matter how much time and energy I put in the perception of it. This is also why I chose to focus on authenticity. Plenty of energy is wasted in perception and not life.
A couple of years ago I worked on a project using the words “perception” and “distortion” as a theme and idea to explore. It was a lot of fun playing cameraman and living in the abstract world. I think about that class project a lot, and well how it really went over my peers heads. If I revisited the project, I would start by switching “Distortion” with “Perfection.” Intertwining these words I feel would have us examine why we invest in these concepts. Examining the time I spend curating my image on the social webs and building Jadedisland, I ask myself “If I gave it up would I even still be me?”. This question gives me pause. The type of pause before the existential crisis at 3 am and a lot of “shit-posting” on Facebook or Twitter.
There was a time I would get irritated at the idea people thought I was fake, or even questioned my authenticity. I have always been myself, at least that’s what I thought. The energy was wasted trying to be my most perfect self, that’s where the perception came to play. That’s the source of “fake.” While there is truth in fact, is I am always myself, but the real problem is I leave out the parts that aren’t curated or perfect. I can never be perfect, and I try to work on accepting that. My hours aren’t spent in a state of pink glitter. Most of my hours are the residual coffee grounds at the bottom of a stained cup. Can I be more? Yes, absolutely. I can be whatever I want to be no matter the ups and downs. What I won’t be is ashamed in my lack of perfection anymore. Now that is authenticity for you.