Chapter 38: Narrative of Doubt
Empress & Her Spectacle: Narrative of Doubt
It’s 9:50 am when I am writing this and I am already overwhelmed. I want to celebrate that it’s Friday and that the weekend is going to be amazing. Oddly enough I can’t find joy in the Friday feeling like I usually do. Perhaps it’s because the cycle of Monday and Friday has worn me out mentally. The challenges faced in the corporate world create more regression than growth. Life feels cumbersome and stagnate. Exploring the feelings of limbo and progress often leave half-finished pieces and a state of dissonance. There are many days where I just want to stop interacting and reacting to corporate crises after crises. The current mood is that progress has flatlined, and words linger empty on pages.
While I am building Jadedisland, I often linger over if this path is right for me. I am working more hours in the office, and less on what I wish to invest in and develop. The narrative of doubt is so loud in my head, I question everything. If I gave it all up, would I even be me? This voice circulates my head like a banshee. It hurts to hear this voice of doubt I trust that the pain I feel is temporary and that at some point I will find the stability and consistency I need as an artist and writer. Progress is not linear, right? So what do I do to overcome this narrative of doubt, to fight the feeling of stagnation and defeat?
I’m a storyteller both in language and visually, so I feel my personal strategies are good for those of an artistic or whimsical mind. For one, dip off social media. The biggest trigger to the banshee of doubt is seeing a constant stream of success and progress shout outs. Seriously taking a personal retreat away from social media either for 24 hours to a week is top tier self-care. I write so much about social media and its fallacies its weird I still invest so much energy into it. The duality of being a storyteller, I find I focus too much on the people I want to tell a story too and not me, the person with the story. Any form of retreat will help you the artist, you the dreamer, and magical being refocus and just take a moment to breathe.
My second strategy for defeating a narrative of doubt is talking with your fellow dreamers, a mentor, or people who inspire you. Interacting with people who do what you love or create is a surefire way to remind yourself that what you’re doing is excellent and well worth it. I encourage you to have more one on one Engagements with people who inspire you and to put your foot forward. In the process of celebrating someone else’s work and seeing the fruition of creativity you kind of get of a boost to create too. Personally, I started subscribing to more blogs and following people within my communities, and seeing that people are living a creative life remind me that I can too.
I might not be where I want to right now in life, and the feeling of doubt is loud. Especially when it comes to the value of my writing and my purpose in life. I’m taking a half social media break, mostly deviating away from Facebook the evil supreme social media king. I just need time, to reaffirm myself and focus on writing. The pressure to produce content and be engaging is hard for a brand-building artist with a full 8–5 job. I’m trying to build up my brand, but I also need money. Money doesn’t fall out of trees, so I’m working full time. I want to return back to school eventually, and I want to get my work out into the world but it comes at a cost. I know all of this, yet that voice of doubt lingers and makes me question my worth. Spring is the season of creative blossoming. Pick up what you left cold and finish what you started. Your magic is needed again.