Chapter 29: The Office Breakdown
Empress & Her Spectacle: The Office Breakdown
No one told me how ridiculously straining it is to work a nonsupporting environment with such high demands. I always feel like i'm six seconds from diving out the window. The worst of it is you’re alone. There is no support system in place, Human Resources is no better than a stepped on Nintendo game, and you’re just alone. There is no beautiful way to write a feeling of distress while at work. Any form of emotional duress is hazardous not only to you, but the quality of your work, and the stability of you keeping your job. I think that’s the worst end of the stick, that while experiencing internal turmoil you realize that your livelihood is on the line. How do we manage our mental health in such a strenuous environment?
This week, it snowed. Seems like something small, but somewhere in the recess of mind came back to life in a horrific way. Unprocessed trauma is dangerous, and to feel it slip on like a second skin at work was the worst. A couple of years ago I was left. To simplify one of the worsts experiences of my life, I didn't get picked up from school, except I wasn't 10, I was in my twenties, and I didn't have anywhere to go in a state so far from home. Somewhere within this event, I developed a problem with being stuck places. I never want to be stuck anywhere; I never want an obstacle that stops me from getting somewhere safe. While I was at work, with a snow storm on the rise, I began to panic. Everything during this day reminded me of when I was left alone in the place I call my Alma Matter. It kept rising, this fear of being stuck, and icy roads keeping me away from going home. My heart raced, I couldn't breathe, and my eyes kept watering.
I wasn't in the privacy of my room during this panic attack; I was at the front desk of my job. Smiling and trying to keep me together. I failed. I tried to message friends, and I tried to message my love, I also tried posting to Facebook. Anything to keep me grounded and help me through this moment. Nothing was there for me. I was drifting further and further into the abyss of resurfaced memories, anxiety, and pure panic. I couldn't even respond to friends during this headspace, answering in emojis. Trying to throw a beacon out that I was still here, still caring all while drowning in me.
Some people suggested tea, others to step out and cry in the bathroom. I didn't want this, didn't want to jeopardize my job. What was I supposed to do? What I wish I knew then, I know now. Yes, I needed to step away and walk through the anxiety. Two I needed to reground myself into the present and focused my energy on positive affirmations, and I should have plainly said, I need help instead of assuming people would recognize my distress. Work environments aren't the best place to have a breakdown, but you can overcome them, and continue to survive and grow. While you might be scared, sad, angry, or alone remember we've gone through this before and made it out each time.