Chapter 28: The Need to Give Up
Empress & Her Spectacle: The Need to Give Up
This week showed me what giving up looks like, what happens when energy is zero, and how easy it is to think alone is better. I had a rough week with more ups and downs than the street chisel tool that I can’t remember the name of... ah, wait it’s a jack hammer. Anyway, I was 100% sure that a lonely path is better for me because it genuinely felt like I don’t receive the same consideration whenever I experience emotional issues. Other times it felt like you have to be some beautiful goddess for people to care about your emotional well-being. It equally also felt like that even at my lowest I’m still expected to be 180% helping others with no regard for myself. That made me feel physically ill. The idea and feeling that when I’m experiencing my worst if I’m not at my best, I’ll be dismissed, written off, receive passive hallmark card encouragement, and more from those I cherish. I wanted to disappear back into myself, and forget about seeking social solace anywhere ever again.
Under emotional duress that felt like my best option. I had to stop my fast train of disappearance and realize while I’m more equipped to handle breakdowns and heavy emotional duress from others I can’t expect others to be for me. I can’t put friends on that level of support when they are still working on them. Being a support system takes so much work, research, Energy, and experience sometimes that it takes time to be a solid support to others. The second thing is adult stress is like no other... all the outside factors that contribute to my permanent stress load is a lot. People need to breathe and heal without the demand to be giving more energy than they already have. Without the space to process the overwhelming urge to give up gets stronger.
I can't tell you that i'll never have the feeling of giving up again, cause I know I will. Its the option that a perfectionist like myself figures is better than failing. Its a feeling everyone and anyone can experience. Giving up is the feeling you begin to cherish when it feels like walls surround you and nothing is getting better. To slip into disappearance when facing a challenge is a natural transition mentally. To fight the feeling of giving up is harder. The next time you feel like giving up examine the feeling, and the source of it.
Perhaps you needed to see things differently or try a different way. In my case, I realized that my experience of such a massive emotional break was nothing my social media friends, or even some of my close friends are equipped to handle. It didn't mean they didn't try to help, and I can't blame them for the lack of success. Instead, I can review the experience as a push to find an outlet that does help, to find someone who can talk me through a panic attack and help me through anxiety.
I wrote some wisdom; I shared via facebook.
"This weeks lesson: It’s harmful to keep trying to help and work through internal turmoil, your efforts don’t yield the positive energy you wish to bring."
"Second lesson: Sometimes your friends just can’t help you, and to treat them poorly or distance yourself because they did not isn’t an answer. Not everyone is equipped to handle mental illness and various emotional breaks. Don’t push away people who try and fail but if you see that people don’t try at all, that’s when you leave."
I leave you with this to consider and to let you know you aren't alone in feeling like its the perfect time to give up. On my island, inside of what makes me, Jade, I feel like the world is waiting with baited breath for me to stop trying and give it all up. A part of me is always there on the edge of giving up.