Chapter 30: Speaking Loud
Empress and Her Spectacle: Speaking Loud
Courageous Conversations: Lately I’ve been binge-listening this excellent podcast called “Therapy for Black Girls.” Its been an amazing motivator and guide for navigating mental health and my life. I bring it up not only as a recommendation but because in Session 22 of Dr.Joy’s podcast; they mentioned the topic “Courageous Conversations” which inspires today's blog post.
I’ve hinted, I’ve written, but I’ll blatantly say I work full time now. In many ways, it's not entirely where I wish to be in life, but at the moment it affords me the opportunity to write, and explore my creativity with financial support. I stay because I must, even if my life feels temporary and in a state of fluctuation. I bring up my job because I initiated a courageous conversation. Yes, an introvert in the business world stepped up and confronted my higher-ups and asked for a salary increase because it costs me a good chunk of money to go back and forth to work. When I say I was nervous, I never felt more related to Courage the Cowardly Dog in that space. I didn’t shake or anything, but perhaps my voice trembled. I had my meeting agenda and met with the vice president. Afterword’s it took three weeks to get a response. Agitated is too little a word for how I felt in that time.
My salary request, along with my secondary alternative options were all turned down. Here I am. The day they turned me down, I was prepared to be courageous and negotiate for what I could do in exchange for travel cost assistance. My heart pounded, I gripped my meeting agenda and was met with the idea that my value as an administrative assistant was diminished solely for the fact I don’t drive. At that moment I felt shattered. To feel like my efforts and my skills are so little because I don’t have the privilege to drive hurt. I mean, it’s not for lack of trying, but my circumstances afford little improvement if I cannot acquire it myself. Asking for help in the first place was a step past my pride, and for me courageous. It took everything for me to challenge their salary offer. It took everything not to cry when they turned it down and mostly didn’t give a fuck.
Crude I know, but there is something I learned from this. I am capable of courageous conversations. I can step outside of my anxiety, pride, and address a problem. I don’t regret initiating the conversation about my salary; it meant I valued myself and what I have to offer high. I need to remember that being the kawaii boss will have its up and downs and that speaking up or against something has its reward.