Chapter 23: Those Damn Jeans
Empress & Her Spectacle: Those Damn Jeans
My style is considered an alternative look mainly due to the fact, that fashionably speaking we aren't at hunger games district one dramatic yet. It's odd to be stared and gawked at over pink hair when in reality I feel like we all should look like the main characters of anime shows. Any-who, I'm not here to share my whimsical need to be a magical girl; I have a whole separate blog feed for that. I am however here to share my experiences and my journey.
Working through Body positivity and self-love is difficult, especially growing up under the burden of Eurocentric beauty standards as a black femme. Always feeling like how my body is formed is not desirable, appealing, or acceptable. It's a battle that is equal to climbing stairs that go around in a circle. When body positivity first started going around I was pleased to see plus sized women were getting there voices out there, and now I’ve seen body positivity expand into various aspects of accepting your body. I’m still actively working on that, trying to find a happy medium between loving this body and being healthy with it. It’s not always exercising and yoga that can make a body healthy, but also tending to its care with making sure you don’t eat foods you’re allergic to, or consuming the right amount of nutrients. It’s juggling a lifestyle of care, maintenance, and positive affirmations. As a black femme, I have to add on to body positivity by saying to myself my body is acceptable and beautiful and the genetic differences and shape I have is not horrible. I am beautiful as a black femme with this shape, I am beautiful as a black femme despite the stereotypical shape.
Since I’ve been taking some online courses with Coursea, I practiced writing in the second person. Today I accept that prompt and walk you the reader through the ritual and experience as a black femme in a world that does not wish to make dressing easy or accessible. Please understand, the purpose of second person narrative is to make you feel something outside of yourself or perhaps kindle feelings that you experienced similarly. It potentially might be burdensome to read or inspire a catharsis you might not anticipate having. So when you are ready to learn what I experience, please continue.
You wake up and look in the mirror. It’s dirty, some stains from fingerprints and steadying the mirror so you could see yourself do eye makeup. It’s a mess. A reflection streaked by stains and prints as you gaze at the body you are housed in. It feels imperfect. It doesn’t settle with your soul. It's not nearly thin enough; it’s chunky, it’s scarred, it looks like the handprints of some memories you wish stayed in Elmira. You look at yourself, and you look at your shape. You admire brown nipples but hate the tiger stripes. You adore your curve, but your ass isn’t big enough, what happened to your hips? It’s a body. It’s just your body. It’s my body. Your thighs are thickening, is that age or poor diet? Is it stress eating or simply genetic defaults. You worry.
You reach for a drawer to pull out some pants, you pull them up past your ankles, and past your calf. The pants catch on your thighs. You can’t lift them any higher. The material makes a stretching noise, a ripping noise, and it feels so loud. Like a laugher or chorus reminding you what’s wrong with this picture. You can’t fit these jeans. Your thighs can’t fit these jeans. Your ass can’t fit these jeans. Toss them aside it’s not worth ripping. Your chest tightens, you have no bottoms. It’s getting cold and your legs freeze at work. You try again, thinking it’s a mistake you just bought these jeans, you just need these jeans, you wished these jeans.
Your chest tightens. Your head hurts as your bent trying to pull up jeans that choke your thighs. This is it? This is the point where you are in your life. Wasting money on jeans that don’t fit and crying in your room in front of a streaky mirror. It hurts. It hurts. You don’t want this. You don’t want this feeling of imperfection. You don’t want this. You don’t want this body. You think about old habits. You think about the wasteful tears. It’s getting tired now, to exist like this is exhausting. To look at yourself and hate yourself but yet display yourself. This duality of love and hate. It’s every day now, isn’t it? This trust that your body will get better and look better, but it never does.
So you think about things and habits, the ones that die hard and make living like the edge of a mousetrap. Perhaps it’ll get better. You think about what it means to be kawaii, to exist in that space. You look at your body, with the stretched skin and trembling legs. Yes, you cried, yes your heart hurt. You look a mess and snot is no accessory. You think about being magical again. You can’t fit these jeans this is true but what magical girl wears pants. You tuck away the jeans, throw em to the ground. You pull out your pink, you fix those heart eyes, you steady that mirror and fix that face.
You are magical. You don’t need jeans to be kawaii. You don’t need that bit of fabric to be cute. You’re the strongest when your pink, and your cutest when you look towards yourself with positive things. You love your large eyes. You still love your thighs, they might be meaty but it’s good to crush things every now and again. You love the melanin ambiance of your skin. You love your hidden natural curls. You are magical. You are pink energy and you are kawaii. You look at the mirror and look at your phone. It’s just another day to fight negative space that exists within you. You didn’t lose the war just yet, you are magical enough to get through to the self-love you need to survive.
I know it might have been difficult for a moment to exist in my headspace. It’s difficult for me too, but I have yet to give up and my thighs are still crushing expectations. I anticipate that exercises like this will remind me of my growth in the future, and hopefully remind someone they aren’t alone in their experience of their body.
As your honorary magical girl on your feed I’m reminding you I’m a fusion of poetry, writing, and fashion on the daily. I’m promoting products from @AdornedbyChi 💕😍💕 which is a dream come true so use my discount ”jadedisland” when getting your Magical attire. Get more Empress Jade pearls of wisdom and thoughts by subscribing and following my blog! Shares, Comments & Questions are welcome, tell me thoughts about anything! Follow the visuals and get updates on Facebook and Instagram for more Jadedisland things.