Chapter 47: Vivid Self Acceptance
Empress & Her Spectacle: Vivid Self Acceptance
One of the most beautiful experiences to have is acceptance. So what do you do when you can't accept yourself? Today I'm reflecting on one of the harshest lessons in my career of being myself. Learning to love the “me” that I am and fighting the duel with self-loathing, anger, and the overwhelming desire to give up.
There is a lot of blame in the cycle of seeking validation. The fault can be from family, friends, your pastor, or mentor. Whenever that validation is absent or not satisfying enough, there is a tendency to blame the lack of it for current issues. Living in real-time is stressful, and unfortunately, I'm no stranger to blaming the lack of validation for my problems. This moment is the point where I pull out my star chart and nod about being another vain Leo caught in the whirlwind of self-image. Oh, how I hate how self-absorbed I can be, I mean it truly can ruin a lot of paths out of hell in my book. You'd never notice how much self-hate can wrap its words into my life. Several hours of photo picking I think can bring it out.
I fight hard for self-love cause I know that you need to be your most prominent advocate. It's painful. Finding love for oneself is reaching into the depth of self and saying, "I'm a good set of molecules on this planet" and trying your hardest to live up to those words. It means looking in the mirror and not calculating how many flaws you can find. Stop playing "hide and seek my flaws" each morning. Try looking at your flaws and feeling it doesn't make you less. I'm one of those people who hates my bare face. I mean, I hate how large my eyes are especially seeing as how they are close to useless as my vision continues to fail. Where do I find joy in a feature that fails its purpose so dramatically? I glare and use these purpose failing peekers to upset the patriarchy. Nothing is more satisfying than finding a new purpose in a flaw. MAKE your flaws be a comfortable shield and sword. Take away the danger of a challenge by challenging first.
Outside of physical self-love, there is also inner self-love. No more chanting "Bloody Mary" in the mirror and hoping that something will you take you out of misery. Do you remember how angsty black and white tumblr was? I used to set that blog up and snort in self hate continually. Being emotive in black and white typography was a full gig. Like my previous job, Tumblr did nothing for my health. The blog did nothing for healing. Again I grab on to those words of self-hate, and I challenged myself to full counter those thoughts. I hid away my monochromatic tumblr, refusing help from outside of the misery and monochromatic club. There wasn't a ticket out of self-hate until I started being more open, more radical about how vividly I experience my emotional ups and downs. Once I started speaking openly about feeling like a cactus I thought maybe retiring monochromatic madness is best for my self-care. It's not a dirty secret you want for long. Refueling your self-hate lingo and branding it aesthetically isn't the right way to heal.
Accepting yourself comes in so many forms. It can be through physical means like rejecting those monochromatic self hate aesthetic blogs or emotionally like challenging your flaws to fight first. That type of love takes work but is seen in big or small actions. Nothing can stop you from accepting yourself but you. Flaws and all you are a set of molecules that are meant to exist. You are worth being in proximity to the cosmos of life. It's easy to set yourself up to hate and giving up. Don't get me wrong fighting that little serpent of ease is an uphill battle. Half the time, I don't think my armor is right. Still, I keep those eyes forward and onward. I know that deep inside, I have something. I might not know what it is, but it's there. Whatever it is, I'm accepting it as cool and fighting to protect that little something. I hope you find yours too, and who knows maybe we will chat about it one day in the golden wind future.