Chapter 44: Loki of Positivity
I got asked how I confront negativity and maintain positivity and support for black femmes today, and I thought I would reflect on it. I guess I should start by saying I don’t view myself as a hero for positivity. If I had to be a hero or advocate, it would be for the balance of emotional authenticity. There is good and bad, and I don’t shy away from either. If I’m afraid I admit it if I’m out of energy I say so, and if I want to be happy I strive for it. There are so many ups and downs with Mania that I’ve come to take these feelings as just who I am. Recently I had the perplexing experience of both empathizing and feeling the sheer rage at someone I care about. I was confused at the duality of these feelings so much, so I just needed to step back and simmer before I went full Loki on Asgard.
I used to hate the duality of trying to be positive while experiencing so much bad. I was raised to put on a brave face and step up. When I was younger, the concept of “weakness of the mind” was foreign to me. It just didn’t exist, and I was upholding the perception of strength and positivity to my emotional detriment. I hated myself, and that self-hate still lingers. It wraps around me when I glance at the mirror. It whispers to me as I lay in bed alone surrounded by all things pink, hello kitty, and cactus. A pink filter doesn’t stop negative, it just makes things easier to tolerate or be content. If anything, I accept the negative in my life equally with the good.
It would be impossible to be a force for positivity. No matter how many people view me as such, I know that I’m not a hero. I’m not a sparkling force for all that is good in the world. I can be angry, I can despair, and be at the brink of giving up and yes I’ll have pink hair doing it. I fear a lot of things, but what I don’t fear is the honesty of my feelings and the weight of my experiences. It can get pretty damn dark in my personal life. It just doesn’t stop me from pushing through the miasma to see the light. You cannot succeed without holding yourself accountable, so when it comes to negativity, I confront it, and I acknowledge it. I might have grown and changed since my past self, but that doesn’t change it happened. What it does do is allow me to learn to be better and receptive to positive changes.